Question: anxiety about your lack of anxiety is called what?

I'm saying no to the PhD program to which I was just accepted. I only sporatically abide by sober standards of behavior but I always know where I'm supposed to do--and I'm supposed to pay off this damned debt. School will not offer funding for a part-timer, and I can't afford to go full time. Also, I don't want to go full time, because as sick and stressed and heartbroken as this job has made me, I am not done with it and it is not done with me. Who quits a job in this economy? Plus, I'm thinking I'll go for the big brass ring and apply to University of Chicago School of Social Service Administration. The name alone used to sicken me! I wanted to attend the School of Dismantling The System! These days I'm not so sure. Now I want to be where the power is, the power of money, class, and prestige, where the books are leather and the buildings Gothic. It seems that I will always be an outsider, and there is no better place to be outside than the inside, right?

Outside of the outside is either inside or nowhere. I'm too angry to be an insider and too much a lady for nowhere.

In the meantime I will prompt my gifted co-workers to their greatest, and attach my name to their accomplishments. I will coast on the great expectations of my friends and family, who assume there is genius in there somewhere, under the hair and head cold. That's right, Chicago Winter. You get one last punch in.