Introducing...Mariah Carepy!

As a young therapist I am always looking for new therapeutic models to address the needs of my clients as well as the terrifying depression their needs spark in me. The depression I am prone to these days is like tiny painful papercuts versus the deep septic wound that was my childhood; however, pain is pain, and in order to do my job or get out of bed or not eat multiple pizzas I require an immediate intervention. And so I have developed Mariah Carepy, and I will soon heal the world.

The must haves are: Vision of Love, Fantasy, Emotions, Without You, Always be my Baby, Open Arms, Dreamlover, and the newest super belter, We Belong Together. Pick and chose others as your mood demands. Usually I skip that song about dead people she did with Boyz II Men, but yesterday it did the trick and made me cry. By the way, the whole point of Mariah Carepy is to 'do the trick'--to combine the physical, primal scream aspects of singing along with the serotonin-triggering beats but also tweak it with words about God and sex and loss and the associations to moments for which Mariah's music are the cultural backdrop and then...wait for it...Probably during a extended warble, still dancing and still crying, you fully feel the pain and glory of the world. This is cathartic and this is going to prevent you from drinking the fourth beer or eating the eighth slice or calling the ex or buying the slutty top.

Actually, Mariah Carepy insures you will buy the slutty top, because here is yet another layer to the rainbow-flavored cake of Mariah Carepy: Mariah herself is all fucked up, probably more than you or I. Did her sister sell herself so that Mariah could record her demo? Did Mottola beat her? Is she puffy or just healthy? Why would a grown woman wear that horrible, horrible, horrible outfit? Why can't Mariah love herself the way she should? Why can't any of us love ourselves the way we should?

Think about this but also warm up that ass because ohmigod "Fantasy" is back on again.