"There's nothing that's been done that can't be undone."

Something I emitted from my 31 is Rockin'! list is that I want to not drink so much. I mean, that's very Bridget Jones, it's very au current for the heavy drinking crowd I roll with, both electively and biologically. Less booze, less cigarettes, start working out. On the other hand, it's hard to be cavalier with the family awash in beer and weed, plus factoring in my general propensity to assume I am doing something terrible all the time: it's a mess. That is why I pay someone to help me think. That is why I am making a plan, and if I can't stick to the plan, well then: I've learned something about me and my drinking.

Of course, the other reason for blogging about this is to sort of put it out there as an antidote to the shame and secrecy that I have witnessed of addicts...the sticky black tar of hiding, and second guessing, and hating yourself so deeply that it becomes a part of how you react to everyone. I will just nip that in the bud with my frank discussion of how, in the last few months, I'm drunk more, and more drunk, and missing time to blackouts, and not sure of what I've done and said. See? So send me good thoughts, and faith, and forgive the self disclosure.

If push comes to shove, if I am, indeed, an Alcoholic, thankfully I am made for AA. Honestly. You know how "Infinite Jest" was excruciating sometimes? Mostly that whole Quebecois story line; the thing that got me through, the story I still think about, was that of Don Gately and Alcoholics Anonymous. "Jesus' Son"--that's a book. And I thought "A Million Little Pieces" was crap way before the scam was revealed--I have no patience for the Guy Who Can Go It Alone. I mean, fine, whatever. Do what you want. Me, I love a group of strangers gathering together to discuss their personal failures and spiritual thirst. Hopefully I love that more than beer. We shall see. Wish me luck!