ONWARD! UPWARD!

I hesitate to describe the exact nature of my upwardness and onwardness, since I feel like, if I were to access those parts of my brain today, my head would explode. Short version: I hung out in Brooklyn with an amazing friend and then I went to a mountain retreat that jacked up my shit.

I mean: seriously. Even unraveling what exactly got jacked up is going to take a great deal of time and patience and, shockingly, maybe some yoga. I had an idea of myself and now I have to inhabit that idea of myself while, at the same time, adjusting some of my core beliefs about me and who I am and what I deserve. It is a blessing. It is exhausting.

My girl is always with me. I was questioning even my affection for Mary after all the mother love and mother pain of the last three years, but there she was, patient and holy, across the street from Kate's house. And when I arrived first for the mountain retreat I went for a walk and she was sitting in the bushes. I thought: If they were crazy people they wouldn't have a grotto.
They are not crazy people, just people like me, broken and needy. I don't know about you: maybe you're fine. Have you heard the Leonard Cohen song "Anthem"? I heard it a lot on the mountain. While "So Long, Marianne" is the better tune, you can't beat this:

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in

It's the perfect place for me, really, except for the nature all around. Everyone shows their saddest parts and angriest parts and tenderest needs, and you get to be there with them. If only there were more buildings around, super trendy people, and loud music: it would be heaven. In fact, I got a lift back to the city, but first my ride wanted to stop at the Outlet Mall. St. Renegade the Blessed gets exactly what she needs: the opportunity to touch Prada shoes and Dior dresses with no worries about Pretty Woman-type sales people because it's an outlet mall staffed by bored teens. It was the sickly sweet cherry on top of my Enlightenment Sundae.

The idea of moving to Brooklyn occured to me, and continues to do so. We shall see. I love Chicago like mad but I could return to the mountain and train at the mountain and live with a Dear Friend. Brooklyn itself has nothing on Chicago, except: the chrome fencing. I don't understand how this hasn't moved from Brooklyn/Queens to the South Side of Chicago. It's like rims for your lawn.
Anyway, friends. I hope to be hugging you more when I see you, and seeing more of you when I am with you. At some point I'll have the words to share without head explosion worries.